I don't want to keep talking about my father, but sometimes is the only way to understand myself and my sister's life. Ana and I had a different kind of relationship with him, she was her favourite, so skinny, so frightened, so vulnerable; I was four years older, bigger, stronger a fighter, rebel, always against everything, asking the reasons for all. My sister and I were so different and contradictory to each other.
When the agression began I was fighting, I tried to confront him and defend my mother, he always won the battles but, at the end, I won the war. But my little sister cried, she hidded with no idea of what was happening, after a few years she learned how to fight, how to be brave, even in the deepest of her heart, my father was always her hero, her "caballo negro azabache". I don't blame her, he was kind to her.
I have always thought that my father considers me his enemy, maybe because I say all the things that he doesn't want to hear, I never could stay quiet, I lived in silence for many years and it was enough for me.
My father abandoned us when I was 16 years old, Ana was 12 years old and my little Alma and Edgar were babies. Five months before I wanted to commit suicide, I was tired of the beatings, humiliation and could not find the exit... The month was June, when November finished he was not more in my life.
Ana suffered more than me, maybe because I killed my father in the hospital in June, I killed all kind of love that I could have sometime. For me it was freedom, for her it was to understand the truth.
Definitly, I'm not a mature woman, I'm so immature, with all kind of fears. My little skinny sister is even more immature and fearful, but she is hidden in a mask of coldness and intolerance, is her shield, so no one can hurt her. Only my brother, my sister Alma, my mother and I can see the fragilty of her soul and heart.
But make no mistake, she has learned to defend herself, to fall and rise, perhaps she isn't even the strongest woman in the world, but I know she may, one day, topple her vulnerability and will have a strength that nobody can deny.
I love you, my little skinny and wise sister.
posted by Metropolitan Area Girl at 21:15